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Naming a child Rufus is also child abuse.

The only thing worse than being late is being early.

Chinese skywriters must get especially dizzy.

Life is like the Internet: You begin with a logical direction, but one link leads to another and before you know it you can’t remember where you were going or how to get back.

The nice thing about women’s soccer is that the referees can use a whistle that only the players can hear.

A sucker is born every minute, one for each new tax law.

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Computer rule #1: Just because it worked yesterday doesn’t mean that it’s going to work today.

What we should really be afraid of is unidentified landing objects.

The bummer about being Asian is that you pretty much know what color your hair is going to be.

Doctors talk to you differently when you have insurance.

If you listen carefully to commercials, you realize that what they are really saying is BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…

Maybe 50% of marriages end in divorce because 30% begin in pregnancy.

Thank god for science.

Swimmers would look pretty funny without all that water.

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Happiness is working in your own area code.

Psychologists are all part psycho.

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover; judge it by the movie.

It’s good to be spontaneous if you can work it into your schedule.

A writer just reads with a pen.

We should have different laws for when we’re drunk.

Conversations rarely end on “whatever.”

As children we complain about homework; as adults we long to work at home.

Bigots are themselves a minority.

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