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In fairness to other nations, perhaps it’s time to wrap the Washington Monument in a 600-foot condom.

At least a stalker is there for you.

We have to keep building in order to stave off unemployment for long-haired, tattooed guys.

Nutrition Facts ruin everything.

Today’s headlines are tomorrow’s cage liner.

The problem with missionaries is that you always know what you’re going to talk about.

It feels good to have not killed anyone.

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I think; therefore, I think I am.

When you think you know what the writer means but aren’t really sure and don’t care anyway … that’s poetry.

You know you’re screwed when you can’t afford the stamps to mail the payment.

If you a know their mother’s maiden name and the city where they were born, you can pretty much take over their life.

When the letters on a page begin to thrash about and attack each other, it’s probably time to turn off the light and go to sleep.

Thank God beauty is only skin deep — otherwise it would be really expensive.

Drunk is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

A man has but one defense against menstruation: It is the word “sorry.”

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What’s really jolting when you see two sobriety checkpoints side by side.

Some guys are so married, they’re gay.

The best part about a chat room is that you can’t be slapped.

Bright people should get extra days off to compensate for all the time they waste on boneheads.

It’s a good thing that global warming doesn’t affect rich Americans.

Men get to choose whatever their wives pick out for them.

Doors don’t open themselves. Well, electric ones do, but that ruins the saying.

Women are more concerned with the bulge in his back pocket.

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